so mark zuckerburg got married.  the facebook man has taken a wife.  now, first i was surprised because i had heard that everyone who interacts with him finds him to be very socially awkward - not that the socially awkward can’t marry - it just didn’t seem like he was the type.  anywaysss, i also found out that he had been dating this girl for close to 9 years. 

& this brought me to the phrase my friends think is comforting “so-&-so dated her boyfriend for 6 years before he proposed.  you need to be patient.”  & i always just want to say:

“oh really?!?! yea i know them.  THEY WERE 19 WHEN THEY MET.  I AM 26.”

let’s be real - i’m single again & i could meet a great man tomorrow, but i’m also 26.  now that isn’t old by any means.  but what happens when i date mr. 6 years, for 6 years & then i’m 32 & single again.  i want children - i don’t have time for that.  don’t tell me to be patient.  just don’t do it.  

i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with getting married in your 30s, in fact, it seems that’s the track i’m on.  i’m just saying - no one wants to meet a man on their 30th birthday & then spend 10 years being his “patient” girlfriend just for him to have doubts about your future & you’re single again.  & THEN YOU’RE 40!  

the chances of giving birth to a child with special needs goes up after a women turns 40.  i don’t want to take that chance - its just not fair to the child.  

so please, don’t tell me to be patient.  most of my friends are either engaged or married, some are even married & having children.  i’m already having to be patient with the finding-a-man-to-marry part & now you want me to date him for a decade?  oh please!

& just to add:

you also have no right to say this to me if you’re under the age of 30 & engaged or married.  it’s just rude.

i’ve been mulling over this phrase for a couple days now.  last week, a couple of friends were really trying to help me.  they thought i was struggling with this break-up.  they don’t understand why i feel lost or why i feel like this isn’t where my life would be.  now, am i struggling?  some days.  am i completely distraught?  no.  i have my hard days & i have my not so hard days.  most days i feel a little lost & very unsure about my future.  he was my future & he’s gone.  my life was in charlotte with him.  i lived here to work, just so i could go to charlotte on the weekends & see him.  we were involved in the community in charlotte, in masonry, the shrine, community service & we had friends there.  that’s where my life was…my life was not here.

but now i’m here & he’s gone.  so most days i feel a little lost.  most days i feel like i don’t have a life here.  most days i’m not sure what i’ll be doing or where i’ll be in 5 years.  i’m trying to get a life here - trying to find a church, make some friends outside of work and grow some roots.  i know they were trying to help, but i left that conversation feeling like it’s not ok to feel lost.  my future walked out the door & i’m not supposed to feel lost…what?!?!

but then over the weekend i saw my best friend in the whole world.  she’s the most amazing person i have ever met & i am so blessed to call her my friend.  she could see in my eyes that i just wasn’t ok, so we talked.  i told her how i had been feeling since the break-up and how this conversation between my friends was making me feel.  she said the most freeing words i have ever heard.  she said,

“steph, it’s ok to feel lost.  it’s ok to be sad & its ok to not know where your life is going.  you loved him & we all thought he was going to propose.  you’re going to feel sad & lost for a little while.  it doesn’t have to fine, you’re allowed to feel sad.”

she has no idea how much hearing those words helped me.  for the few minutes that she spoke, she gave me a small break & she held my pain on her shoulders.  she let me rest for a minute & that did so much for my spirit.  that’s just her way.  she’s an amazing woman.

so now, every morning when i wake up i remind myself of her words. 

• it’s ok to feel lost.
• it’s ok to feel sad.
• everything doesn’t have to be fine.

i see pictures of myself, old pictures, of when i thought i’d found forever.  i don’t feel like that person anymore.  she looks like me, but she isn’t me.  that woman is gone & i don’t know if she’s ever coming back.  she was naive & really thought she’d found the man she would marry.  

hi.  my name is stephanie & i’m starting over.  i thought i’d met the man i would spend my life with.  i had never been more sure of anything in my entire life - i just knew.  i couldn’t explain it, it just was.  & everyone around me thought it too.  we all thought he was the man i’d marry.  i was wrong.  i was so wrong.  

it’s hard to admit that…to admit that you can’t trust your gut instinct.  it’s a natural part of a woman - our instinct is unmatched & usually it isn’t wrong.  how am i supposed to trust myself again?  how am i supposed to believe that my instinct is correct about someone?  i dont’ know if i can.

so i’m starting over.  i’m beginning again, from scratch.  i know i’ll never be the same woman i was before.  i know my heart will never be the same, but i have to meet myself where i’m at.  & where i am is a little shaky, it’s a little uneven, & its a little unpredictable.  

before, my future was solid.  i had someone who loved me, who would care for me always & now i don’t know.  now the world is my playground, but that’s a very overwhelming feeling.  i don’t know where i’ll be in 5 years, or even 2.  i can’t tell you what kind of job i’ll want.  everything is so unsure.

he left & my entire life changed.

dear mr. jobs,

one of my earliest memories takes place in front of an apple computer.  i remember being very young, maybe 5 or 6, and watching the flashing green line at the bottom of the black monitor screen.  i remember glancing down at the rainbow apple logo and wondering why it was a rainbow apple.  i don’t remember what i was doing at the computer, i just remember having a purpose and waiting for that flashing green line to turn into text prompts so i could operate the machine.  

when the internet became big and the world wide web was brand new my parents purchased an NEC desktop computer.  i never understood how to use that thing.  this little wizard would pop up and want to walk me through it, but i really just wanted him to leave me alone. at school they began using dell machines and microsoft programs and i felt lost in a sea of pc’s.

i decided i wanted to go to college and study graphic design.  this is when i rediscovered apple computers!  it was the summer of 2004 and i had taken out a personal loan to purchase my very own apple computer.  i chose to buy a power mac g4 and boy was i excited!  i couldn’t wait to get it to my college residence hall and get it set up.  i was the only person on my hall with an apple computer and i was so proud of that machine!  while all of my friends where walking their computers to IT to get viruses removed i was smooth sailing with my mac.  i loved that computer.  

i’m naturally a very loyal person. once you do something nice for me, i keep coming back and to me, that power mac g4 was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me.  i’ve been a loyal apple customer ever since. 

i met my boyfriend, the love of my life, over an iphone.  i sat down next to him and he had his iphone out.  i had never played with an iphone (i couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to tempt myself) and i said to him “wow you have an iphone! i’ve always wanted one.  can i play with it?”  he handed me his iphone and the rest is history.  

over the years i’ve started a small collection of apple products.  since that first power mac g4 i bought an imac in 2008, a macbook pro in 2010 and an iphone in 2011.  apple products have changed my life.  you have changed my life mr. jobs.  

you will be greatly missed when apple releases the next big thing.  your black turtleneck, blue jeans and new balance sneakers have become a staple in apple press releases. apple computers will not be the same.  

often, when i make a purchase from apple i feel like you have handed me my very own apple computer.  i feel like your hand, your genius, your ingenuity is on every thing that leaves the doors of macintosh and heads for the shelves of apple stores.  

you were a great ceo, mr. jobs and you will be greatly missed.  yours are shoes that cannot be filled.  

sincerely,
stephanie

i seriously have the attention spam of a 5 year old.